2018 - and indeed, October 2018 in particular marked a turning point in my life, where I closed a few doors behind me on past endeavors, and opened a door ahead of me.
My activist past in terms of belonging to organized groups and associations is a lengthy convoluted one, and if you'd been following my blog "Sour Grapes: The Fruit Of Ignorance" since I started it in 2009, you'd probably be aware of some of this.
I joined the Eastern Cape Gay & Lesbian Association (ECGLA) in Port Elizabeth in February 2009, and within six months I sat at the head of the table as Director. Through ECGLA, we built and cemented relations between the LGBT community of Port Elizabeth, if not the Eastern Cape, and governmental NGO's, clinics, Lifeline, the media, and the SAPS. We also established support groups such as Parents & Friends of Lesbians And Gays (PFLAG) Port Elizabeth, co-managed by Lifeline PE, and ultimately ECGLA organized and hosted the very first and hugely successful Pride for our metro - NMB Pride 2011. It was at that point however, on a high point, that I decided it was time for me to start bowing out of organized activism on account of the high toll it took on my personal life in terms of stress and time. I left ECGLA with fond memories, and a team of professional, well-organized and dedicated leaders. Sadly, I heard that they'd folded by 2016.
Meanwhile, in 2008, I had joined the Democratic Alliance in an effort to represent LGBT people in the party structures. I was active, becoming the chairperson of Ward 11 in Port Elizabeth, under Jeremy Davis, the DA ward councilor. I chaired weekly meetings of the ward committee, ran a newsletter, and did tele-campaigning for the DA.
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In the meantime, in 2011, not long after resigning from ECGLA, I was invited to join Tru Colors, a new activist group in Port Elizabeth that was focused on engaging with schools and the Dept of Education on LGBT issues and on combating homophobia and transphobia in school environments. I remained with that organization for about two months, before a pro-drug element in the broader LGBT community attacked myself and Tru Colors for having me onboard due to my vocal anti-drug-use stance within the LGBT community. I was cursed out in a public Facebook rant by someone who had promoted the inclusion of drug paraphernalia in an "HIV/STD prevention kit" for the LGBT community - and what led to my resignation from Tru Colors was the lack of support I experienced from my fellow committee members, most notably the founder and chair of the organization. Tru Colors didn't last much longer after that anyway, and went tits-up when their founder relocated elsewhere to focus on his singing career.
In February of 2012 I was invited to join the Executive Committee of the South African Pagan Rights Alliance (SAPRA) on the strengths of my LGBT activism as well as my advocacy for religious freedom, and because I was also an active participant in Pagan circles. During that time I produced some of my best non-fiction written works - most notably as a researcher for the Alternative Religions Forum, a group which was jointly established and run by SAPRA and the SA Vampyre Alliance (SAVA), and which represented a number of religious minority and in particular, occult groupings in South Africa. The aim of the group was, with mutual consensus of all representatives, to counter the increased levels of paranoia and hysteria stemming from general ignorance and misinformation being perpetuated by Christian "spiritual warfare" elements within the SA Police Service to the media.
Through the ARF, in 2013, I produced a 400 page academic work called "Satanism: The Acid Test", which exposes this Christian extremist assault on the secular state within South Africa, and rubbishes the claims of self-proclaimed Christian "occult experts" that they possess any expertise in occult knowledge at all. The document was peer reviewed by notable academics as well as being supported by notable institutions and groups within their various religious or spiritual or sub-cultural groupings - which makes it a true first of its kind which is still being cited by subsequent academic papers today. Having been sent to every newspaper in the country, and to some in other countries, to the SA government, and even to the UN, the SA news media immediately changed how it reported on alleged "occult crimes". I'm very proud of this achievement. The ARF, having served its purpose, quietly faded into inactivity and then into nothing, leaving behind this document and a website as its legacy.
Unfortunately, during January 2018, the founder and CEO of SAPRA and I had a public disagreement in which he made it clear that he was going to continue using the SAPRA as his personal soap box to enforce a guilt complex in white South Africans of all ages for the crimes of Apartheid - with which I refused to agree. First of all, I viewed a Pagan organization advocating a racist viewpoint as appallingly immoral, and secondly, I cannot agree with the view that I and every white South African alive today bear any guilt for the establishment of the Apartheid policy, nor for the system that rose from it - or for the actions of people who are now either long dead or long emigrated! I made a public statement to expose this man's intentions, along with my resignation from the SAPRA.
In the meantime, in around 2016, I was invited to join another newcomer to the LGBT advocacy game, called "OUT!ology", to which I agreed as long as I didn't have to participate in any meetings, or actually do anything. The board agreed, as they basically just wanted to have my name on their website and resume'. I was flattered that they thought my name mattered that much, and this arrangement suited me, as although I was worn out and tired, and wanted to focus on my writing career, I still wanted to contribute something to the cause of LGBT human rights.
It didn't stay there, though, since in 2017, I was asked to be a signatory on OUT!ology's bank account "just for a month" while they looked for a replacement for someone who quit and went on his merry way. I stupidly agreed, and then paid for it with regular visits to the bank to assist in withdrawing funds for the organization - for the next year - without knowing who it was for, what it was for, and if I was being party to fraud or not. In the meantime I appealed to the founder of the organization to find a replacement, making it clear that my appointment had been only temporary, but it took until October 2018 for something to finally be done to get me off as signatory on that bank account. Once that was done, I felt overjoyed to tender my resignation from OUT!ology.
Also in October 2018, I stepped down from my role in SA GLAAD, handing over to Cobus Fourie and Kobus van den Heever. I then finally relinquished all the positions I still held within the South African occult community, broadly ending a decade of very serious, committed and taxing participation across several interconnected or overlapping communities and subcultures. I cannot describe the feeling of handing over authority, power and control over something larger than yourself, in communities where leaders cling to power at all costs, and if anything fight to gain more and more - it's liberating. The feeling one gets from handing over these things to worthy successors whom you know will appreciate it, tend to it, take it further, make it grow, and build on your legacy - that's priceless.
After all the drama, theatrics, back-stabbing, politics, intrigue, character assassination, personal betrayals, stress, sacrifice, good times and bad times, weekly meetings, work sessions, personal costs and expenses, pleading with communities to get off their asses and come to events or meetings, or to vote, and begging people to get things done - eventually doing them myself, I decided it was best for me to not be part of any more organizations or associations - and my periods of weakness in allowing myself to be dragged back into it again only confirm it - that time is past for me.
I suppose it was inevitable that I should reach a burn-out stage, where in various different circumstances and settings I either threw my toys out of the cot, or just sat back and figured "well, do what you want, I'm done!"
I pissed off all the right people, exposed them and their hatred for x,y, or z, rubbed salt in their wounds, and got away with it fairly intact.
I will always champion certain causes, and I will always speak out in their defense - but I in future I will be doing so as an individual, unattached to any activist organization, unfettered by what people - especially other members of the board, or the membership - think of it. I think I've done enough for at least several communities in terms of my participation and leadership of various advocacy organizations.
These are all the doors I've closed and am leaving behind, and this is the door I'm opening and walking through. This is a new phase in my life, and it's time I started putting my life first again, looking after those nearest and dearest to me, and building on our future together. I have books to write, stories to tell, and as an indie author there's more than enough work to keep me busy in terms of editing, formatting, design, marketing and promotion.
Joining organizations, volunteering time and resources while holding down a job, getting criticized and attacked by hostile elements inside and outside the community while not getting paid a cent or even being recognized for it, fighting under someone else's flags, going to meetings and trying to form consensus out of a noisy babble of disagreement, and pulling daggers out of my back - that's not my problem anymore.
It's your turn now.
Have fun.
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If you would like to know more about Christina Engela and her writing, please feel free to browse her website.
If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form.
All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2019.
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